By Jessica Lippe
A few years back, I started thinking about the funniest possible thing that I could say to some total stranger. Of course, I never intended to try it out, but it was fun just to try to think of a random outburst from someone I didn't even know. When I finally came up with what I though HAD to be the funniest conversation starter, I suddenly came up with more. Thus, the list of Pathetic Conversation Starters was born.
One weekend, I pulled out this list while at my friends house. She thought that they were hilarious. So, she encouraged me to go to the mall with her and we'd find out what actually happened when we said some of these to random strangers. Let me tell you, it was a scary thing to do, but, thankfully, some of the few people we actually talked to got a laugh out of it!
Try to come up with your own list of Pathetic Conversation Starters. If you feel you have the guts, try saying them to people you meet in public. To help you out, here's my list. Please remember that these should never be taken seriously and some should never actually be used!
1. So, how's your garbage disposal working?
2. Hi, Judy. What's your name?
3. Do you own an incinerator?
4. Excuse me. Where is the tissue box located?
5. Wanna hear this great lecture?
6. I like science fiction shows. Don't you like how they make you feel as if you're at home?
7. Do you need to sneeze right now? I do.
8. Want to join my Club club? We beat each other up with golf clubs and cards of the club suit. It's sure fun!
9. I'm homeless. Where do you live?
10. How many bruises do you have?
11. My psychiatrist says I need to make new friends to help with my mental stability treatment. Hi!
12. I recognize your face. Yeah. Hey, aren't you on TV? Yeah, you're on America's Most Wanted!
13. I'm Thirtrina and I'm 13 years old. I live on the 13th floor of Motel 13 in room 13 on 13th Street. I have 13 siblings that live 13 miles away. I'm so lucky!
14. I'm Bob. I enjoy painting my nails.
15. Coffee, coffee, coffee! Coffee is so good! I love coffee. Do you have any coffee? COF-FEE!
16. Wow! The most boring thing happened yesterday...
17. Nice car! That reminds me, did you know I used to repossess cars? I can still hot-wire the ignition, and I can remove valuable engine parts.
18. Guess what? The warden let me outta the slammer for a whole two hours! Man, I haven't seen the outdoors for sixteen years! I wanna see this town again! Will you be my guide?
19. Hello. I represent the Community Services Recruitment. We need more volunteer custodians in the zoo's tiger cage. Tigers make such a mess, and volunteers for this job are getting rarer.
20. Hello, I am your new employee. By the way, I totaled your car while trying to park.
21. Good evening, sir. I smacked your daughter with a tennis racket, and we immediately fell in love. I'd like to ask permission to date your daughter. Her face is so beautiful when it=s bruised!
22. Hey, you're a new student! Okay, get this: we put SuperGlue on the teacher's chair, so when she sits down, she won't be able to get up! Hey, wait! You're too old to be a student! Yeah, you're the teacher!
23. Is your refrigerator running?
24. You look sad. I know what you need, my toy pirate, Mr. Snuffles! Mr. Snuffles likes to be HAPPY!
25. I've only killed three people in my life...but I only stabbed them a little! Who knew that golf tees and thumb tacks made such excellent weapons?
26. SHH! I'm going to read your mind.
27. You're a lot nicer than most people I know. The last person I met ran away complaining that I used them as a slingshot target too many times!
28. Let's do jumping jacks on the freeway!
29. If you have lots of money, I'll be your best friend!
30. Wanna come over to my house? Just be sure to bring your overalls and work boots. I have LOTS of horse stalls to muck out!
31. I'm an outhouse architect. What do you do?
32. I hope you did your homework! 'Cuz I didn=t!
33. Guess what? If we lived in a perfect world, you wouldn't be here!
34. Can I use your cell phone? I need to contact Mars.
35. I love dissecting specimens!
36. I can't talk to you now. I'm busy being bored.
37. Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk to blondes.
38. You're really weird and you look kinda funny. How are you?
39. WAAAAA! Somebody just hurt my feelings. They said I have stupid conversation starters!
40. I just moved here, and I forgot where I live. Can I stay with you until I figure it out?
41. Will you be my Valentine?
42. Happy New Year! Okay, now I'm going to give you my Christmas Wish List. What thing do you want?
43. I can give you a ride. Oh, and you know what to do in a car accident, right?
44. Did you know that they sometimes read the Bible at church?
45. I got a prize for annoying more people than any other contestants! Aren't you proud of me? Huh? HUH?
46. Did you know that taco shells taste a lot like tortilla chips?
47. Hmmm. I love potatoes.
48. Me gusta comida de Mexico. Como mucho para desayuno hoy. Tienes un burrito o chimichanga?
49. Hey, I planned a party at your house this Saturday. I hope you don't mind this short notice. Oh, and by the way, I didn't invite you, so you'll need to leave your home until it's over.
50. I don't even know you, but I'm going to stalk you for the rest of the day.