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Hi Cass! I think you express yourself extremely well. Great questions, there are a lot of girls wondering the same things! Unfortunately, some girls just go for a guy because he's cute, which can lead to problems. I would like to encourage you to look for not only a cute guy, but one who has a great personality. So, ask yourself, what is important to you? Kindness, loyalty, honesty, a good sense of humor, a positive attitude, ambition etc. are all fabulous qualities to look for in a boyfriend.

I like to explain it this way to girls. Think about your best friend and what you love about her. You might say, "I can tell her everything, she's always there for me, she's creative and fun." Well, these must be important traits to you, so look for them in a guy.

I believe there are 3 main things that account for a lasting relationship. #1. Attraction  #2. Friendship  #3. Committment  When you have all three, it is a recipe for success. So, you want to look for a guy that you are physically attracted to, who you can have fun and laugh with, and who also is willing to commit to only you. We can't know 100% when we meet someone if the relationship will last or be drama-free, but once someone is giving you signs that they're not who you thought or if you spend more time fighting then feeling happy, be strong enough to move on. Each relationship is a learning experience that teaches us something about what ourselves and what we want in a partner.   

A good first date spot depends on both of your interests, but choose somewhere you can talk and get to know each other better. Going out to dinner, meeting at a coffeeshop or for icecream, or attending a school game are always good options. If you want to get creative, try something more original. If you're both into art, try a museum, or if you like music, how about a concert? It's fun to do something active, cause it takes your mind off of the butterflies fluttering in your stomach. Mini golfing, go carting, and amusement parks are super fun first dates to get your hearts racing.

I understand that the events in your life have caused you to have difficulty trusting others. Remember though, just because people have let you down in your past does not mean all people will let you down in your future. I suggest talking with your school counselor to help you deal with the things that have hurt you in your life.

Please work on building your self confidence because you have to feel great about yourself and feel "whole" before you can be in a healthy relationship. Post positive affirmations in you room, in your locker and on your mirror that encourage positive thoughts, like "You're beautiful". What do you like about yourself, what are your talents or good qualities? Make a list and look at everyday to remind yourself how special you truly are and how lucky any guy would be to have you in his life. :) Keep me posted Cass!

ps Check out my blog at ask-erica.com/advice for more relationship tips!

GZ Advisor

My friend's boyfriend is like my bestfriend and i told him i have a crush on him and he's telling me that he loves me. What should i do ? I don't want to hurt my friend.

Karla

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Karla,

Oh my, this is not a good situation to be in..caught between your crush and your best friend. I'm going to be honest with you. Your friend will be hurt if she finds out you two like each other, but I think what will hurt most is that this is going on behind her back. This guy obviously doesn't have strong feelings for her, so maybe he should break up with her and quit leading her on. Let her move on and meet a guy who loves her. Out of respect for your bestfriend, you shouldn't start dating this guy right away. Let some time pass and then decide if you still want to be with him. You might want to talk to her about it. I believe friendships last much longer than most relationships with guys, so choose wisely.  

GZ Advisor

So i know this guy and him and i text sometimes, and i like him as a friend. My mom doesn't know and im afraid to tell her. This is where it gets complicated: I go to an all girls school, and my mom would be asking where i met him. And here is complication number 2: I met him cause this girl texted him from my phone and my mom would think that is a little inappropriate. In other words she would probably take my phone away and things could get ugly in-between her and his family cause i live in a really small town. So everyone basically knows everyone. So the thing is i really want to hangout with him sometimes, but what would I tell my mom where im going?

Please please please help,

IZZY :0

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Hi Izzy,

I know you're going to immediately shut this idea down, but hear me out. Why not try talking to your mom and telling her you would like to have guy friends. She may say no to dating, but maybe she would be okay with you having guy friends. You can start by telling her that some of the girls at school have some friends that you would like to get to know. I feel that honesty is always best because once you break your mom's trust, it's really hard to rebuild. Also, the guilt and fear that comes with lying isn't worth it.

GZ Advisor 

Mikayla

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Dear Mikayla,

I feel the desperation in your words and I wish I could look at you straight in the eyes because I would tell you confidently that YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. You said you've gone down a wrong path and you're starting to find your way back by getting clean. You will need all the strength and support you can get to completely find your way back. YOU might have to be that source of strength and support if you have toxic friends and family problems. You're reaching out for help, so I know you are a smart girl who wants more for herself..and you deserve more.

The drugs take away the pain, at least for a night. But what happens when you wake up the next day? Your problems are still there. I can tell this is not the life you had planned for yourself. The time is now to take control. Right now, your allowing the drugs, alcohol and Steven to control you. And where is this getting this you? Nowhere, they're just holding you back. 

If you are serious about ending your addictions, all of them (including Steven)then there are people out there to help. Are you in school? Please talk to your school counselor or nurse or reach out for help and make the call. 

National Youth Crisis Hotline: 800-442-HOPE (4673)

Please keep me posted.

All the best,

GZ Advisor

My mom is very controling. She lectures me on everything, even stupid things like how long my nails are. We never agree on anything and most conversations I try to have with her just ends up with me being yelled at. I now feel afraid to ask her questions or talk to her at all. She never tries to see things from my point of view and ignores my problems. I love her and know she gets frustrated sometimes with how I act. And well I do have some behavioral issues (I'm trying to work on them), that's no excuse for how SHE acts. It's just not fair.

Olivia

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Hi Olivia,

You're not alone. Alot of girls out there have complicated relationships with their mothers. You know what is awesome about you? You love your mom, you're trying to work on your behavior and you want to make things better with her. These are the first steps. It's important for you to tell her exactly what you told me..she might not realize how you feel. I think it would so helpful if you two sat down together and had a calm discussion about what your issues are. Discuss how each others' actions have made one another feel, how things could be different and a plan of action to make it happen. Make some ground rules for the talk..you have to listen to one another and if the convo gets too heated, you both need to take a break to cool off.

We can't change other people, only ourselves, So, what changes can you make to improve your relationship? If you're too scared to say anthing, try writing mom a letter or ask a trusted adult to help you talk to her.

GZ Advisor

GZ Advisor 

Okay so I've been dating my boyfriend for exactly one month and I really, reallyyy like him a lot. There's this girl who constantly is posting on his facebook wall and is obviously flirting with him. He flirts back a little too. I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he says to trust him. I do trust him. I just don't trust this girl! I talked to her about it too and she claims that they're just "best friends". They've know each other for a month. How can they be bff's? She is always posting pictures of them webcamming together and joking around with him, using millions of winky faces. I get so jealous. She told me that they're "just friends" but then she also told me he means everything to her. I don't wanna lose him to this girl. I just wish he would stop talking to her cause I'm afraid it's eventually going to ruin our relationship. Please help?/:
Kristina S.

Hey Kristina,

I totally feel for you! It's not easy to see some girl all over your guy..commenting on his pics, statuses etc. It seems you're placing all the blame on her, but remember it takes 2. Trust is something that takes time to build and can be broken in an instant. You've only been dating for a month, so if you really like him, give him a chance to prove his devotion to you. Acting jealous and possessive is a sure way to have him running into HER arms. Think about how you would feel if your BF was super jealous...It's not attractive. I think you're doing the right thing by voicing how you feel and telling him their friendship makes you uncomfortable. In the end, if he really respects you, he will tone it down with her. If he doesn't and it continues to drive you crazy, then its time to move on to someone who is willing to make you their #1. You deserve that.

GZ Advisor 

 I have to say, though, acting jealous is a sure fire way to lose a guy.   

I have a crush on a teacher and now it's totally killing me inside. This has been going on for about 2 years and it keeps getting worse and worse...I feel like everytime I come across an encounter with him  it's just so staged I get to class early and he is purposely in there talking to one of the teachers. HE'S EVERYWHERE! I can't seem to get rid of him or even get him out of my mind everytime I try he bursts his way back in when I have a bunch of weird thing's happen to me in one day. All my friends know so does my mom and so does the guidance teacher...now he knows because the stupid guidance teacher told him! Now he gives me glares and little hello's and it's horrible...I feel like crawling under a rock and dying! How can I get him out of my head so I don't have to live my last year of middle school thinking about this guy too much!

Lora

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Hi Lora,

When we have a crush on someone, we become super sensitive to everything they do and say. When we like someone, we pay extra close attention to them and may feel self conscious, nervous, or embarrassed around them. That's all totally normal. You mentioned he seems to keep popping up everywhere, but you have to remember school is where he works and when he's in your classroom, he's speaking with his co-workers. It doesn't have anything to do with you, even though it might seem that way. When he says hi to you(and he prob says hi to lots of kids), its because he cares about you in the same way he cares for all his students-as their teacher. I know it feels uncomfortable, especially because you feel like everyone knows you like him, but try to stay cool. You are not the first or last girl to have a crush on her teacher. My advice to you-It's best to be realistic and set your sights on a boy your age. :)

GZ Advisor  

Last school year, I started dating this guy who I REALLY liked, but then he told me he got high, so I broke up with him because I didn't want to be around that kind of stuff. We started texting each other about 2 months after we broke up, and then we just stopped talking all together. He quit drugs and is now sober, and I like him alot again. He hasn't talked to me since and I was wondering if I should text him first?

Ronnerz

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Hey Ronnerz!

I really admire you for having such strong beliefs about being drug free and for sticking to them! It's hard when someone you care about is using drugs. People won't stop using just because someone tells them to(even if it's someone really special to them). They have to stop on their own because THEY want to. It seems you realized that and were confident enough to walk away. Your values and beliefs in what is right and wrong will take you far in life. I think it is totally fine to make the first move and find out how your ex is doing, but be cautious. If he is sober, he will hopefully understand why you had to break up with him and maybe this will be the second chance he needs. Keep in mind, it is very difficult for people to completely give up on drugs once they have started. You seem like a smart girl, so pay close attention to see if he has truly stopped. If you think he still might be using, encourage him to get help. He could reach out to a trusted family member, coach, or a school counselor. Also, there are support groups to help him stay sober, like Narcotics Anonymous. Check it out at NA.org. I wish you both the best! Keep me posted.

GZ Advisor

So this year at my school has sucked and I don't know what to do about it. There are all these rumors going around about me and NONE of them are true but everyone still believes them! I don't know what to do! I get laughed at and called dirty things all the time and I really want to just drop school but I know I can't do that or switch schools. I have talked to my teachers and the discipline dean and they said that they have to "witness" it in order to get these boys in trouble and the boys know that so they never do anything around teachers. I just don't know what to do last month I resorted to self harm and then that got old so I stopped and now I just talk to people but there is still nothing that they can do. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Cat

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Dear Cat

I think you are a brave girl; asking for help and not giving up shows your strength. These boys do not have the right to disrespect you like this and they certainly should not have the power to make you harm yourself. Cutting or harming yourself is never an option. You will only feel worse in the end. Remember, you do have some control in this situation, even though it might not feel like it. It is YOUR choice if you let these bullies have so much power over your emotions and actions. You said self harm "got old," but please seek the help of a professional counselor. They can help you find positive ways to cope, so you don't go back down a bad path. Communicating and healing through words, art, writing, music or sports really can help you deal. Having the support of a counselor at school could also aid you in dealing with these boys. A counselor might have some useful ideas and maybe he/she can talk with the school dean. I'm a school counselor and one of my students was being bullied. I encouraged her to stand up for herself and after she did, it really built her confidence. She had the fabulous idea to start an anti-bully club and asked me to sponsor it. Why not be the leader of his cause at your school?

Have you told your parents or guardians about this? They might need to step in and work as a team with your school administration. Also, be proactive, CSI style. :) If they want proof, print out any evidence of cyber bullying, like rude coments on facebook. Your cellphone is probably attached to you, right? You or a friend could videotape or record them in the act of bullying. Most importantly, you and your true friends know the rumors are lies. Try to focus on the good aspects of your life, instead.

You are not alone and there are people out there fighting for you. Check out this video: http://youtu.be/kU8psvxaAOc

Please keep me posted! Much love!

GZ Advisor

Hi Kayla,

I'm not going to tell you that you're too young to worry about these things because you obviously feel confused, angry and hurt. Those feelings are real and can't be brushed off. I need you to think about who is really the person hurting your feelings? You're blaming the "skinny jeans girl," but she doesn't even know that you and this boy are dating. When a guy asks a girl out it is expected that he will talk to her, spend time with her and will be nice to her. How he's treating you might not be classified as cheating, but by ignoring you and flirting with other girls, he's definitely not being a respectful boyfriend...actually he's not acting like a boyfriend at all. I'm sure you are a fabulous girl with many great talents and qualities. Don't forget that! I think it might be time to move on and find a guy who also realizes how special you are. Go have some fun with your BFFS and hang in there girl!

GZ Advisor