Dear GZ Advisor,
Everybody is saying that looks don't count, to look inside, you're special (you know what I mean). It's not that I want it to be that way (I'm not perfect myself), and I don't mean to bring anyone down, but it's all about looks in this world (at least with guys, most of them). If you want to be popular you've got to be pretty whether it's at school or somewhere else. I'm really sorry about the situation and if I could change it I would, but I can't.

I'm not talking about friends. You don't need to be pretty for your friends (at least the not-popular girls... the popular girls, they don't want to be seen with you if you don't fit in), or family. But to be cool or get a guy you like you must be Miss perfect. I'm sorry, but we need to be realistic, and I don't think telling yourself you are fine is going to change what others think about you if that's what you're trying to do. That's not a way to change it. I don't know of a way!
Signed GZ Sharon

Dear GZ Sharon,
We're glad you wrote in about this concern since lots of girls worry about their looks and whether they're pretty enough to get a guy or be cool. In fact, some people get so obsessed about their appearance, they spend most of their time (and money) trying to improve their looks. Some girls even develop life-threatening eating disorders because they want a perfect body!

It's healthy to care about your appearance in terms of general well-being (fitness, good eating habits, and cleanliness). It's unhealthy to be so consumed about looks that most of your energy gets focused outward (on what other people think of you) rather than inward (on what you believe about yourself).

You are perceptive in noting that friends and family don't care how you look. They love you for WHO you are not WHAT you look like.

Here are some questions to think (or write) about that may help you see that although you can't change what other people think, you can change how you feel about yourself.

With respect to getting a guy
-- do you really want a guy who wants you mostly for what you look like? A guy who isn't a true friend or someone who accepts you for who you are? A guy who isn't interested in you as a person?

Is being cool or popular really as desirable as you think?
What might you lose if you focus your energy on looks instead of what kind of person you are? Is what you lose (your self-esteem for one thing) worth it? Do you think the popular kids have perfect lives? (If so, you're mistaken. They're human, too, and they have problems, worries, fears, good and bad days just like everyone else.)

Often, when people want to be popular, or part of the in crowd, what they really want is to feel good about themselves. And feeling good about yourself, and life in general, comes from doing good work (at school, home, and in the community), being a trustworthy friend, and being a person you can be proud of. And when you focus your energy and attention on what's inside, you don't worry as much about what other people think.

A couple appropriate clichés come to mind (and remember, clichés are clichés because they're true!):

Beauty is only skin deep.
You can't judge a book by its cover.

If you keep these things in mind you won't be Miss Perfect which is perfectly fine. No one is perfect. We think it would be best if you would be just the way you are!

Take Care GZ Advisor

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